The End?

Unfortunately, Sam didn’t have the same plan. Military life was NOT fun. It was hard. I barely saw her and when we did see each other it was timed and short. We talked all the time but her schedule was so different than mine. Training had her forced to the four walls of base. We couldn’t really do relationship stuff and I know that was tough on the both of us. Our relationship lasted two months before Sam realized we were better off as best friends. She wasn’t happy and honestly, I wasn’t either. Not nearly as happy as I was with Arianna. It was probably the worst feeling ever knowing that this relationship that you dreamed of was not everything you wanted. I waited so long and it just wasn’t what I thought. So about two months into our relationship Sam started talking to this random ass girl on twitter named Emily. Emily reached out to her and of course, Same being the cheater that she is, started to talk to her. It took me two days to figure it out cause Sam is an idiot. But I guess now I can say that I was a bigger idiot for thinking Sam would change and things would be different. I broke up with her that same day that I found out. I was a mess, a complete utter mess and it was probably one of the messiest breakups I had gone through. (and Arianna and I’s breakup was pretty messy too but that didn’t compare) I think I even threatened to throw away all her clothes. It was crazy. About a week later, she ended up going out with this Emily girl. HAHA. Why is this funny? Because this Emily girl that she had NOT met or even talked to on the phone, catfished her. She wasn’t real and to this day, we still don’t know who it actually was… I want to say we are like 99% sure but not 100%. But anyways, she got catfished and realized she still needed me in her life. And yes, of course I was there for her. Like a fucking dumbass, I KNOW. So dumb. I feel stupid about it sometimes but what can I say? I love her.

Things went back to how they were before she joined the military. We were the same old pair of best friends… with benefits, only this time it was a little more intense. Dating each other opened up doors that we never opened prior. And although friends shouldn’t open those doors, it made us that much closer and I really liked it. We had quite a bit of ups and downs since then, especially because she reminds me every so often that she doesn’t wanna be with me and just wants to be friends and blah blah blah, but I can’t stay away from her and vice versa. The addiction is real. I say that so nonchalantly but it really fucking hurts. Knowing you are still in love with someone, and knowing that they treat you like their girlfriend and do girlfriend like stuff with you BUT still at the end of the day, they don’t want to be with you, HURTS LIKE A BITCH. I don’t know why I stay sometimes, probably because when its good between us, its really good but the bad always gets really bad and if we’re just friends, it shouldn’t be like this. I think I also stay because I hope one day it’ll be different. I hope one day she’ll realize she really is in love with me and now that her life isn’t completely controlled by the military, we can function as a couple and everything will be perfect. I think that’s why I’m still here…

I ended up moving to the town where she was stationed at, in BUMBFUCK, Texas. I honestly don’t know why I do half of the things I do when it comes to her but I do them. And I try to reason with myself as to why they are the right thing to do when I know they really aren’t… BUT that brings me to where I currently am in life and why I started this blog. Because my life is crazy and I’m still living it, or trying to at least. So here’s to this blog, that will hopefully help my depression and anxiety, and help me share my crazy life stories with the world. I hope you all like it or at least can relate to it on some level.


The Middle

February and March of 2016 were the best months of my life. Arianna was everything I wanted in a girl. She was so kind hearted and loved me unconditionally, flaws and all. I don’t know how she could get any more perfect. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Everyone noticed. Even Sam. We would write letters back and forth while she was in BMT and I mentioned it all to her. I was counting down the days until I could see her again. I missed her so much and I wanted to tell her all about Arianna and how happy I was. Arianna was excited to meet her too. It almost seemed too perfect. At the end of March, Sam was graduating from BMT. Her best friend from home, her cousin, two of our friends from high school and the rest of her family were all going to be there. I was so excited but it came so much faster than I expected.

It hit me hard on that day… A group of fairly tan and thin girls ran past us during the parade, or whatever her branch called it, and I saw Sam. Tan and thinner than I’ve ever seen her. She looked so different yet she looked like the same girl I fell in love with. She somehow managed to steal my heart once again. And that’s when I knew we’d have a problem. The graduation weekend was four days long. Four days without Arianna and my main focus on Sam. I got a warning from my friends about remembering I had a girlfriend. I don’t know why I would forget, Arianna was amazing and I loved her, but it was a good reminder. After the coining ceremony, we were finally able to see Sam and hug her. I swear the world stopped the moment I had her in my arms. The entire weekend continued to be as amazing. You could feel the tension between us but also the elephant in the room. We didn’t speak about Arianna the entire weekend and I barely spoke to her too. I felt horrible but I was with Sam and she wanted me around. I could feel it.

On the last day of the weekend, she asked me to come to her parents hotel room. Her mom and cousin were out and her dad was in the bedroom. We sat on the floor of the living room watching tv. We sat just close enough to feel our arms touch. The sexual tension was extremely high. She asked about Arianna. I didn’t want to tell her how happy I was, how much I loved her and how excited I was to be with her. I told her to talk about us. And what this tension we were feeling was.

“I can’t tell you how I feel, you have a girlfriend,” she said. “That never stopped you before,” I quickly answered. She turned to look at me and we made eye contact. If I could have, I would have kissed her in that moment. I knew she wanted to too… but I wasn’t single. I had a girlfriend, who I loved, or so I thought. Sam reached in her pocket and handed me something. It was her dog tags. She told me to hold on to them. I didn’t know what to say. Thank you was all I managed. And then her mom and cousin walked into the room.

That night I went home and Arianna was waiting for me at my apartment. I missed her, that was certain but something about Sam and I’s earlier encounter left me feeling empty inside. Nonetheless, Arianna spent the night and I gave her all the details of the weekend, well not all the details…

A week later, Sam confessed her love to me. She said she needed to be with me. She wanted to start a future together and didn’t wanna miss out on the chance to be together. I didn’t know if I should believe her or not. Did she really mean it? Was this for real or just another stunt Sam would pull because she was alone? It took all my willpower to believe her but when I did, things would change forever. To make this long story short, I broke it off with Arianna, after a messy incident with my roommate telling her all about Sam’s confession. (that story is important too but maybe for another time) A week after my break up Sam asked me out. She played, “Never knew I needed” by Ne-yo and deemed it our song. It was perfect. We were finally together and it was amazing. I had the girl of my dreams finally. She was all mine and we were going to be together forever and live happily ever after. Just as I had dreamed.

The Beginning, part 2.

Sam and I continued our flirtationship for a few years after graduation even when I knew she was trying to get back together with Kate. It was like we were each other’s drug and we couldn’t get enough. Eventually Kate started to move on and date other people. This killed Sam but yet, she still had me to text, call, and mess with everyday. I think she liked knowing I was still going to put up with her shit every day no matter what. I’d visit her in her hometown and vice versa, we’d spend days together on dates and nights in bed cuddling and kissing. It was everything that I wanted in a relationship, except it wasn’t real. Or at least for her it wasn’t.

It didn’t last long though because soon enough, Sam realized she was still in love with Kate and wanted nothing more than to be with her. That’s when she decided to join the military. I was 100% against this but she had set her mind to it. She thought if she could better herself and get her shit together, Kate would run back into her arms. (Referring to my about section, Sam was also going through a time in her life where she was doing nothing that she thought she would be doing after graduation.) So in October of 2015, she signed herself into the military set to leave in February of 2016. I was going nuts and honestly, I don’t know how she managed to calm me down the entire 4 months prior to her leaving, but she did. I didn’t know what I was going to do without her. I was heartbroken at the fact that my best friend was leaving me for the next two months.

Cue Arianna. My roommate at the time, introduced me to this AMAZING, let me repeat, AMAZING girl named Arianna. Apparently they had met on a lesbian dating app but my roommate was on and off again with her girlfriend so she introduced me to her instead. We immediately had chemistry from the start. Arianna was the sweetest, kindest, and funniest girl I had ever met. She treated me like a fucking QUEEN, as a girl should be treated. And I honestly truly liked her, a lot. Of course, it was barely January and Sam still had a whole month left before BMT. Sam told me to let her go and move on with Arianna. “Arianna will be good for you, give her a chance.” I remember those words as if she said it yesterday.

So I listened. I started dating Arianna and let Sam enjoy her last month of freedom before the military controlled her life. We still spoke almost all day every day but things were different. I was actually happy. Arianna made me so freaking happy. We spent all day and every day together. It all happened so quickly, it seemed surreal. I was in love with this amazing human after just a few months and I had no idea how this happened. Sam left on February 2nd, just like planned. I was super sad but somehow, knowing I had Arianna, made her leaving a lot easier to handle.

The Beginning

Being the creeper that I am, I admired Samantha from afar for the first semester of my freshmen year before I actually had a chance to talk to her. She was in the sorority I wanted to join so I knew I’d have plenty of time to get to know her before I’d make her fall in love with me. Ironically, with how long the recruitment process is for joining a sorority, I started dating my first girlfriend, Elena, before I even got a chance to really get to know Sam. (For all you non-Greeks out there, recruitment is a super long process and super annoying. Not to mention, your new member process which lasts a whole semester.) Long story short, I fell for a different girl while crushing on an “upperclassman” that I had no chance with.

Elena and I dated for about a year and a half unofficially, 3 months officially. (Lesbians are so difficult. *rolls eyes*) By then, Samantha and I had developed a strong friendship. I looked to her as an older experienced lesbian that I’d go to for advice. We’d eat in the cafe together and occasionally hang out to drink in her room with our sorority sisters. I was so involved with my relationship, sometimes Sam would even bribe me to go hang out with her. (I guess she must have thought I was pretty awesome to be around back then) Our friendship was great and she was there for me when Elena broke up with me at the end of my sophomore year. I was devastated but Sam was there for me. Taking naps with me after a crying fit I’d have and even helping me stuff my face with pizza, which I later found out was her weakness. We grew even closer once Elena started dating one of the girls Sam had tried to date her freshmen year but the girl told her she didn’t want commitment. We cried, ate, drank, and napped our way into each other lives.

What I forgot to mention is that, this same semester, Sam met the girl of her dreams Kate. They instantly started dating and Sam was falling in love. This didn’t bother me because I liked Kate. She was sweet and innocent and a great person to be around. I actually even introduced them. The only problem was Sam was becoming a horrible player. She started dating Kate and sparked an interest in my big sister in sorority, Alma. It was a disaster from the start and I watched it from the beginning to the end. Sam slowly became this ugly person I didn’t know she could be. She used both Kate and Alma for her own personal game and I honestly hate that I let it all happen. But don’t worry, karma came and bit me in the ass the following year.

Sam and I grew extremely close. We’d text everyday and even talk on the phone. That summer, Sam and her cousin Caroline, stayed in town for the summer semester of school. I was overjoyed because I literally was the only one from our sorority who lived in town. So naturally we hung out every single day. During this time though, Kate found out Sam was cheating on her with Alma so she broke it off with Sam and Sam told Alma, she didn’t want anything to do with her, so of course, Sam was depressed to the max. This led to many nights of drinking. Many, many nights…

Well one thing led to another and on a drunken night, I kissed Sam. She kissed back, but I did it. And sometimes, I don’t know if I hate myself for doing so. This started a semester long session of messing around and of course, tangling myself into the mess that was Sam’s love life as she tried to juggle three girls at a time. I fell in love with Sam the first time I saw her, but that semester long affair we had, made me realize it was way more than I thought it would be.

We spent the next four years with an on-again off-again flirtationship as she tried to decide if she wanted me or Kate in her life because she was definitely not getting both. Not to mention she’d throw Alma in the mix once a year to stir things up. *ROLLS EYES* So you’d think after all this, I’d stop talking to her because what kind of “best friend” does this to her best friend right? WRONG.